blogspot's kinda freaking out on me tonight, so i hope this goes through.

today was the kind of day that is representative of a larger theme of my life: being irresponsible. i don't think i was always this irresponsible. in fact, i was pretty damn responsible in high school, driving my friends home, calling when i was going to be home late, not drinking and driving, always taking the proper precautions, etc. somewhere in the last 3-5 years, however, i've abandoned much of that former, more responsible self. i thought growing older meant becoming more responsible, not less.

nowadays, i'm a child, quite the spoiled brat. i wake up really late, and can't be bothered to get up to answer the phone/doorbell, even when it's an old friend calling to meet up for coffee while she's visiting the bay or to sign for a package (second attempt now). i drink till i puke. i drive drunk. i run red lights. i flake on people all the time. i arrive late to all appointments. i run up $200 phone bills on my cell phone. i tell people i'll do things for them, and never follow through. i write nasty emails and carelessly send them to the person i'm writing about. and let's not even get started on guys.

so i guess it shouldn't have been to my surprise today that i got a $50 parking ticket for parking in a truck-only loading zone. it was just for ten minutes to run into urban to exchange something. i run up to the metermaid, but it was already done. strangely, i wasn't that pissed off. i think maybe deep down, i know i deserve it, and more. i'm an irresponsible person, and i don't get what i deserve often enough. in fact, i skate by on a lot, mostly luck and the tolerance of others. and i know it. margot would call this "youngest child syndrome" -- i know how far i can push people, and i take advantage of this. i'm used to people forgiving me for my faults. it takes a lot to make me feel guilty, and it's not helping that one of the stanford boys convinced me that guilt is a useless emotion. dc definitely enhanced my irresponsible tendencies by pairing me with some of the most tolerant and caring people on earth, bless their hearts. but now i'm on a fucking downward spiral. somebody stop me. hold me accountable. make me keep my word. be angry at me when i don't. make me show up to things on time. tell me when you think i'm trying to do too much at once. remind me that i can't make everyone happy and it's ok to say "no" to some things sometimes. remind me of past consequences. help.