in retrospect i should have eaten more cupcakes.
thanksgiving weekend was a busy little thing, considering that my family celebrated it two weekends ago. friday i i didn't have to work, yet i resisted the magnetic force that drives every person on earth downtown to go shopping the day after thanksgiving. instead i went to haight with kimi and then had a bite to eat at crepes on cole. there are some cute guys on haight street, man. too bad they automatically lose cool points by just being on haight street. haight was so high school. anyways, that night i finally saw chizu, who i haven't seen in almost a year, and we had dinner with jokester at naan n curry on irving. i cannot handle the spicy food, yo, i am PILIPINO. i was sweating all over the place.

we met up with crys and jen at rosewood, this bar on broadway near the broadway tunnel. it's so underground that there's no sign in front. i went there with jaime a while ago, and the crowd was pretty white/tourist/business casual, but this time it was cool. the place is a nice lounge with a dj playing good music (hard to find) and cute guys (even harder to find) who all have girlfriends (big shocker). the dj friday played this tupac mix that had all the fave tupac songs ("how do you want it," "california love," "i get around," "all bout u") oh it was so hot. hands in the air!! and hella white girls knew ALL the words to tupac.

saturday was a tiring day of work and then off to regan's for her birthday. we had a bunch of drinks, cupcakes, and pie at her place and then rallied the whole group to go to the hush hush lounge, a bar with dancing on valencia and 14th. it was a cool place, good music, young and mixed crowd. someone commented on how the crowd was indie, but the music was hip-hop, which is the ultimate sign that indie is now a style totally independent of music.

i had to be at work today at 10 am, so i'm so. utterly. tired.

for four years, between senior year of high school to our third year of college, my high school crew had a thanksgiving potluck at crystal's house. called "phat potluck," this was no small affair: we spent frenzied nights making lists of who we would invite (mostly friends from high school), figuring out who would be calling who (this was before evite), what we were going to bring, and most important of all, what we were going to wear. there was usually a good turnout. the largest ones were the first two. we judged the success of the party on the size of the pile of shoes in front of crystal's door, and for the first two years, the shoe pile was so big that we took pictures of it.

friends of various intimacy levels would drift in and out of the rooms, chatting, eating, laughing. boys would invariably be congregated downstairs playing video games. upstairs would be filled with people picking from the table laden with food in the dining room or talking in the living room. crystal's windows would be fogged up from the heat in the room. random people were thrown together to nibble, make conversation, and have a few laughs. there was the soccer team, the school newspaper folk, shield and scroll members, friends from college who went to different high schools in SF, current and former love interests, current and former boyfriends, my sister even stopped by one year.

and of course there was us, "the math wing crew," the nucleus. crystal, our wonderful hostess, would be running around the place, always decked out in an eye-catching outfit and complicated makeup. freesia would be sitting somewhere, flirting with her current crush and attempting to appear nonchalant in front of her past crush at the same time. loni would be making fun of someone, elani would be trying hard to chat up the outsiders, kristin would be telling a crazy story, nina, chizu, ali, kat, the whole crew would be there, adding a different element to the party.

in the last few years, the number of guests has dwindled--people lose touch, friends come and go, there were college and familial commitments, study abroad, and we stopped inviting people much further beyond our core group. finally, two years ago, our beloved tradition came to an end.

it's hard to imagine that we had such a great time without any alcohol. but times change. this year ali, kat, rich, frees and i celebrated being together again by going to 26 mix, a bar in the mission. it was almost completely empty, but the drinks were $2, and the jukebox and pool tables were free. we racked up a bunch of games, numerous rum and cokes, gin and tonics, and an entire glass of really good snack mix. i had so many drinks i lost count, but i suspect i doubled my magic number last night. it was almost unspoken that we would be going to seniore's on 19th and taraval after the bar. we picked up our pizza, and invited ourselves over to crystal's, more out of the necessity to pee than desire to see crystal. crystal patiently let us in, and we stuffed our faces and watched LOTR with her downstairs. i couldn't help but think with nostalgia of thanksgivings past, when the room would be filled with bodies. but at the same moment, i was so thankful for what i had: my very best friends from high school (and still fairly close today), all in the same room, drunk and gorging ourselves on greasy food, watching the movie that we had so much fun watching together a year ago. it was hands down the happiest i've been in months. i think i forget how much i truly love my friends and how happy they make me because i see them so infrequently. phat shoe pile or no, those are my girls.

The Sounds kick so much ass!

freestyln2 (12:48 AM): i'm stealing internet
lisa n da sky (12:49 AM): from farmer fitzgibbon?
freestyln2 (12:49 AM): yes
lisa n da sky (12:49 AM): OMG THAT WAS THE BEST SECRET OF NIMH REFERENCE EVER
lisa n da sky (12:49 AM): did you get it?
freestyln2 (12:49 AM): lol
freestyln2 (12:49 AM): yeah
freestyln2 (12:49 AM): only lisa....
lisa n da sky (12:49 AM): GOOD I'M SO HAPPY NOW
freestyln2 (12:50 AM): lol
lisa n da sky (12:50 AM): if you didn't get that
lisa n da sky (12:50 AM): it would have been the most wasted reference in history

later on....

lisa n da sky (1:00 AM): i still can't get over how good that nimh reference was
lisa n da sky (1:00 AM): yo add that to your netflix
freestyln2 (1:00 AM): i saw that not that long ago
lisa n da sky (1:01 AM): i thought it was so cool how the animals had realistic names
lisa n da sky (1:01 AM): like justin and jonathan
lisa n da sky (1:01 AM): and nicodemus
freestyln2 (1:01 AM): ah yeah.. nicodemus... i can't believe how many nicodemuses i know... it's ridiculous
lisa n da sky (1:02 AM): yeah my one friend nicodemus
lisa n da sky (1:02 AM): there were too many in our crew
lisa n da sky (1:02 AM): so i nicknamed him
lisa n da sky (1:02 AM): jeff

GO BEARS!

streakbreaker
finally got back to the thing i do best on a saturday night: going out and drinking in the city.

it has become as cold as a bastard here over the past week, like really really cold. so what else is there to do but drink? regan, biff, and i started the night out at the elbo room on valencia where the drinks are strong (i had an ocean beach iced tea, how awesome is that?) and the crowd is a good mix of everything. there was a hip hop show going on upstairs, and we watched two of the biggest fros i've ever seen walk in. when they eclipsed each other, we knew it was time to leave since i didn't have my sunglasses or a little box with a pinhole.

we braved the cold and shivered over to the make-out room a few blocks away, but after an irate patron told us it sucked inside, we went to a cute little cafe across the street. there were people playing chess at the sidewalk tables, and couples dancing to the jazz music played by the live band inside. something about cafes with live bands always gets me, especially when an upright bass and open storefront windows are involved. we took our glasses of sangria to the tables out front under the outdoor heaters, and got into a discussion with a studious looking man reading newsweek who overheard us toasting to "tha mish" and talking about tha mish, tha mo', tha 'stro, and tha 'set. "are you guys serious?" he asked us, incredulous. obviously not a native.

pretty drunk at this point, i had a craving for some sausage (insert your own joke here. ooo look how witty you are. don't say this blog isn't interactive...). biff knew a good place on haight near fillmore, so we went over there, but ended up at movida lounge since the sausage place was closed. regan inexplicably ordered a pitcher of sangria, so we had to finish it of course, and proceeded to get smashingly drunk. still yearning for the sausage, we orbited back to biff's where she cooked me a nice plate of sausage, brie, and french bread, which i concluded to be the best meal i've ever had in my life. i was too drunk to drive home, so i crashed at biff's, and any night that i don't spend in my own bed is overall a successful one, in my opinon.

because blogspot doesn't have that fancy "currently reading" or "currently listening to" feature like xanga or livejournal, here's a makeshift version:

currently reading: "the sun also rises" by ernest hemingway and "pedagogy of the oppressed" by paulo freire
currently listening to: "dead ringer," rjd2; "greatest hits," bjork; "chutes too narrow," the shins
currently DVDing: family guy season 1
current decision i'm standing behind: not going to school in boston next semester
current grad school applications i'm working on: berkeley, columbia, northwestern, and univ. of maryland
current job prospect: matt gonzalez's campaign
current domestic project: bringing winter clothes out of hibernation (where did all these sweaters come from?!)
current popular word: gadonkadonk
current favorite phrase (thanks biff!) : "well, God made it...so there must be some reason for it."
currently eating: homemade chocolate chip cookies
about to eat: crab dinner
currently wearing: jeans and sheer stretchy soft top
currently thinking: this blog has reached a new low.

fin.

kimi: "are you in the matrix?"
ali: "are you in the matrix?"

i have this long black coat from h&m that goes all the way to my ankles. it's thick, and waterproof, and comes with a detachable hood, and is sort of like wearing a sleeping bag. i bought it for about 50 quid (~$75) within the first month that i got to england. my friend jane bought the exact same one the first week we were there, when we were still at orientation in london. i thought i'd hold out to see if i really needed it. little did i know how much that jacket would be with me.

jane and i would sometimes wear our jackets together at the same time, and we'd look like the matrix, with our jackets flowing out behind us. i wore it everywhere, especially during the winter months, but also well into spring. it was the only surefire way to stay warm. for the first time in my life, i took advantage of coat check at clubs--we all wore our clubbing outfits underneath and then shed our coats once we were indoors. it was only a quid or two, and well worth it to stay warm while standing in the queue outside or waiting for a taxi.

i had never before owned, and probably never will, a coat that warm. i mean, i lived in mild san francisco, where we have one temperature all year-round--foggy. a coat that heavy is never needed. sherwynn always joked about having a coat-burning party once we got back to the states, as a way of forgetting about all time we spent wearing them, to purge ourselves of the memories of freezing cold england.

if you look at my pictures from my year abroad, the coat is ubiquitous--venice, rome, edinburgh, paris. everywhere. i used it as a blanket more than a few times while sleeping in hostels and run-down bed and breakfasts. but i also have local memories of the coat. i remember wearing it when we'd walk 20 minutes from our flats to the cinema (save our money on a cab, and faster than the bus) to see 3 pound movies (about $5--so cheap!!) or to tesco to buy groceries, which were so heavy and burdensome for the walk back (we finally got wise and brought our backpacks). i remember the cold, cold walks to the library or to campus or to sherwynn and michele's flat just across the vale. i remember eating balti with the girls, or sunday roasts, after which we didn't have to eat for the entire rest of the day. i miss full english breakfasts--fried tomato, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, fried eggs, and tea. i miss 99 pence pints, or 1 pound vodka shots, i miss blackthorn, snakebites, that cinammon-flavored shot, all the various drinks that were so goddamn cheap. the clubs where it was free to get in, or very cheap if you were a student, clubs that were swankier than any i've been to in the u.s., besides maybe d.c., but even then, the nicest d.c. club can't touch the dodgiest uk one. i miss all the cheese music that we sang along to, and the lovely british lads that could dance together in groups without it being a reflection on their sexuality. god, i miss my own room.

i actually wore my coat a few days ago to tart with ali and kimi. it was freezing cold that night, but somehow it just wasn't the same at all. here's to england, and hopes for more adventures with my long black coat.

macs what.

while you're pondering whether or not there is much more to life besides queer eye ten-hour marathons, check this out. some highlights:

"Holidae In" by Chingy (featuring Ludacris and Snoop Dogg)
Yes, Chingy is having a little get-together at the Holiday Inn, and he's invited Luda, Snoop, you and four of your friends. "What we gon' do?" asks the backup singer. "Feel on each other," says Snoop, "and sip on some Hen." Good times!

I don't know who the fuck Chingy is, but the guy knows how to throw a party. Even Ludacris is excited about it -- "For shizzle dizzle, I'm on a track with the Big Snoop Dizzle!" -- and when Ludacris gets excited, you'd better hide your vagina.

.......
"Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down

Listening to this song forces me to ask some difficult "What if?" questions. For instance: What if I met the woman who seemed to be the love of my life, and what if, just as we were about to consummate our love, she reached for her CD player remote control and switched on this song by 3 Doors Down?

It's not a question of whether or not I'd still be able to make love to her. Obviously, I wouldn't have the ability. My penis would immediately drain itself of blood, and once it had run out of blood, it would begin to drain itself of erectile tissue and veins and skin until there was nothing left but a shallow cavity above my testicles. No, the vital question is, Could my love for her survive? And the answer is no. No, it couldn't.

.....

Memo to the East Side Boyz, YoungBloodZ and other rising hip-hop stars: Pluralizing your Z's really isn't that cool. It's actually sort of dumb. In fact, the only way 3 Doors Down could possibly be worse as a band would be if they were called 3 Doorz Down.

baby, here i am, i'm a girl on the scene
soul is making a comeback: i'm really diggin' "got to give it up" by marvin gaye and "hard to handle" by patti drew. i think it's a sign that it's time to dust off the ole gadonkadonk (i've got a chinese bootie, according to cherry). shake that thang, miss cana-cana....

recent epiphanies:
1) it's difficult to meet really cool, interesting people, especially after college.
2) i am a magnet for cliche-ridden guys.
3) when one person flakes, a chain of flaking materializes.
4) i look like jiminy cricket, which is just ironic since i have no conscience.
5) taboo is the new "it" game. fuck! one should never use "it" in quotes. very pretentious. FUCK! i just did it twice. dammit!

oh, and my doctor confirmed it today, for all you in doubt: "you've got a strong heart," he said, looking at the cardiogram. looking at your heart is a very surreal experience. i think you realize just how material you are--i mean, the body is just a bag of skin and bones. and this little muscle is the only thing that keeps that bag going. you realize that it doesn't matter how smart or witty you are, how attractive you are, if you're in love, or in agony, or depressed, or whatever. empirically, you are a mass of blood, water, skin, cells, whatever. and the heart runs the entire operation. and if that heart decides one day that it doesn't want to do that anymore, you're dead. and that's it. i tried to avoid any existential crisis while i stared at my heart pumping on the screen. in fact, it kind of looks like someone clapping in there, sort of funny. like i've got my own little in-studio audience in there, applauding me, egging me on. i should probably back up to why i was getting my chest felt up for a half an hour (not in the good way, you cheeky thing). i've got a musical heart, meaning i have a heart murmur. but i got a clean bill of health today; it's benign or "innocent." oh, but it's not that innocent, i told the doctor, ripping off my paper gown to reveal my red vinyl bodysuit. oops i did it again, i played with your heart, got lost in the game.... FUCK! this is the second time i've referenced that song in this blog, DEFINITELY not a good sign.

tony blair gets down to the darkness, shouldn't you?

i've been seeing a lot of movies lately, so i'll just summarize:
love, actually: you would need to have no heart at all to not say "awww!" at least once during this movie. i liked it a lot, but it's no four weddings or even bridget jones. such a date movie.
kill bill:loved it! but bring a barf bag if you have a delicate composition. great soundtrack.
runaway jury: yeah, this was a bad decision on my part, but freesia (or should i say....jokester?) suggested it. it was really predictable. i liked this movie the first four times i saw it, when it was called the firm, the client, the pelican brief, and the rainmaker.
bullets over broadway: very funny, john cusack plays against type, channels woody allen. "sex is economics!" supply and demand, i guess.
punch-drunk love: god, paul thomas anderson is a genius. so talented. i really liked this one. also liked that it wasn't half as long as magnolia, but still as good.

i saw matt gonzalez (sf mayoral candidate) at the bar last night!!! crazy shit. he was just sitting there talking to some blonde, and i was like "oh my god, is that matt gonzalez?!?" it was so cool! my friend wanted to challenge him to a game of pool, but i was too starstruck.

alright, that's all from here. over n out.

lisa's beginner's guide to nyc (for irene and all):

first, get a map. nyc is really easy--there's uptown (higher number streets) and downtown (lower number streets). streets go east to west (east streets are east of fifth ave., west streets are west of fifth ave.), avenues go north to south. avenue blocks are MUCH longer than street blocks, keep that in mind when planning your trips!!! make sure your subway map is up to date since they've made a lot of recent changes to subway lines.

bring good walking shoes, since you'll be doing lots of walking. also, bring your nicer clothes--everyone is really stylish and it's easy to feel like a grubby tourist everywhere you go. trust me, you won't look out of place in your nicer stuff.

not sure how long you're going to be there, but buying a subway day-pass (it might be called a funpass) is ALWAYS cheaper than buying individual rides.

things to def. do on your first trip to nyc:
museums:
-the met (be sure to see the temple of dendur, of "when harry met sally" fame); this place is really overwhelming, focus on what you want to see, you'll never hit it all
-the natural history museum is pretty nice, if you're into that stuff; if you're into modern art, go to the MOMA (it's in queens while the manhattan one is under renovation); the guggenheim is really cool (the building is a spiral), but expensive admission
-the lower east side tenement museum is off the beaten track, but i liked it. you get to tour actual tenements that they've renovated to look like how they were at the turn of the century. it's a good tour, you learn a lot about immigrants.

other tourist shit:
***must do***times square at night--will take your breath away. be like my friends who bought me one of those 100 sexual positions booklets for $1 there. go before 5 PM if you want to be on the street outside TRL (mtv studios are there, you can't miss it)
-central park--i like strawberry fields and the "imagine" mosaic (if you're a beatles fan); also check out "the mall" (pretty tree-lined walkway) and bethesda fountain (in lots of movies); lots of walking to be done in central park, don't go there if you're tired
-empire state building--i'm not a big views person, so i've never done this, but i've seen pics and it's very nice, though it looks really windy
-i'm not sure if you can go to the statue of liberty since 9/11. i think it's cool enough to see it from the ferry, instead of actually going up it. you can see it for free if you take the staten island ferry.
-chinatown--oh smelly chinatown. go and be with your peoples. shop for fake louis vuitton and kate spade purses on canal (good for gifts for friends back home), or get (my favorite) chinese slippers at pearl river mart (477 broadway), they have the best selection. also, canal is the place for fake rolexes and bootleg CDs and DVDs (the quality is usually pretty good). oh if you know chinese, haggle with them for lower prices, it works. chinatown is also the place you should buy all your souvenirs--you can buy 5 of those "i heart ny" shirts for like $5, and shotglasses, and everything is much cheaper in chinatown. EVERYTHING.
-rockefeller center--there's probably the ice skating rink and xmas tree up there by now. i've never seen it (never been in nyc in the winter), but i'm sure it's lovely. the nbc studio is nearby there, if you want to take the tour, it's pretty good, and also radio city hall is close for a photo op. while you're around there, i'd stop by the flagship h&m by there, i think it's on 55th, but you should double check (hm.com).
-south street seaport: shopping here is the usual chain stores (gap, jcrew, express, american eagle), but there's also a beautiful view of the brooklyn bridge (go at dusk, or at night, very romantic) if you go into the mall and find the patios at the back on the second or third floors. also eat a crab sandwich while you're there (see below).
-grand central station main hall--everything moves so fast!
-you'll probably want to do ground zero. i've never done it, it's a little too heavy for me, but you should go if you want to....

other famous movie/tv stuff:
-the seinfeld resturant is near columbia: broadway and 112th or so (you can look it up online), never ate there, i hear it's ok
-the when harry met sally "orgasm" scene was filmed in katz's deli (e. houston and ludlow st.), they've got great corned beef sanwiches, but PRICEY!

misc. hangouts:
-if you're into spoken word, the place to go is the nuyorican cafe in the east village. 236 e. third st. betw. ave. b and ave. c

shopping:
my favorite shopping stretch (not for the weak) is on broadway from around 21st ALL THE WAY DOWN to canal street. from 21st and broadway going downtown, you will pass jcrew (actually i think the jcrew is on 5th ave.), express, banana, nine west, express, victoria's secret, the strand bookstore (12th and broadway, the biggest used bookstore on earth, i swear), urban outfitters, virgin megastore in union square. below the virgin megastore, you'll hit the nyu area, where there are tons of shoe stores with good prices, a gap, a barnes and noble, nyu bookstore near washington square park. keep going until you get to houston (pronounced "house-ton"), and once you cross houston, you've entered soho, aka shopping heaven. if you stick on broadway, you'll hit zara, club monaco, dean and deluca (where's felicity?), more nine wests and victoria's secrets, the soho h&m, banana, old navy, steve madden, cute little boutiques, a cool store called yellow rat bastard. about h&m, my favorite one is probably the one at 34th street/herald square (i hear there are actually two there now). it's HUGE.
a funkier place for browsing used cds and funky accessories is st. mark's place. to get there, turn east when you see the gap on east 8th street and broadway, pass fourth and third aves, and you're there. you can eat at village mingala, a good burmese place while you're there (see below).

all this shopping is making me hungry! all these recommendations are cheap and good.
-ok you're tired and broke. get a hot dog special at gray's papaya (check online for locations). good cheap hot dogs.
-must have dunkin' donuts coffee, everyone drinks it there, and it's really good.
restaurants by area:
Union Square
Chat n' Chew: 10 e. 16th st., between union square and fifth ave., comfort food, good mac n cheese and coleslaw
Republic: on the west side of union square (37 union square west between 16th and 17th streets), a trendy, but only decent japanese noodle bar.
Yama: 122 E. 17th Street at Irving, this is the best sushi i've had in nyc

East Village/near NYU
Village Mingala--21 E. 7th st. between 2nd and 3rd aves, burmese food, get the mango salad as a starter, it's TO DIE FOR, noodle dishes and beef curry are also really good
Around the Clock--open all night, good food, typical american food cafe stuff
Veniero's--342 e. 11th street; old style dessert place, good cheesecakes, they close at midnight or 1 am on the weekends.
Dojo--24 st. mark's place between 2nd and 3rd aves., cheap cheap japanese food

West Village:
Moustache: middle eastern food, 90 bedford street, get the naan bread and ouzi, it's really good, very filling, share if you're not too hungry.

Near 34th Street/Herald Square:
Pongal: 110 Lexington Avenue, between east 27th and east 28th. good indian food, all vegetarian, the dosas are so good, they're big ass crepes filled with onions, rice, etc. whatever you want.

Chinatown:
Joe's Shanghai: 9 pell street, between bowery and mott. good dim sum, get the soup dumplings, so good. you'll probably share a table with other diners, it's popular with the tourists.
Nha Trang: 87 baxter street, get the steak cubes!!!!!!!!!!!!! vietnamese food, everything is good and cheap

South Street Seaport:
crab sandwiches at south street seaport, the best place is at this stall in the food court in the mall called "simply seafood". go to the top of the mall, it's at the end near the tables, get the soft shell crab sandwich with fries. SO GOOD. my mouth is watering right now.

new project for the rest of the month: writing my novel

intersections of life
23rd and clement
jackson and fillmore
eucalyptus drive
26th and taraval
irving and 7th
hearst avenue
haste between ellsworth and fulton
west 20th between 7th and 8th
116th and broadway
edgbaston road
rhode island and 17th
florida and 13th
amber drive
dartmouth street

people are always asking me for recommendations for cities i've lived in. new york city tops the list for most frequently asked questions, london comes in second, and san francisco a respectable third. i've become lisa.citysearch.com. i'm going to work on posting those recommendations here, so i don't have to keep re-writing the same email over and over.

i'm a city girl, always will be. i remember when lin waxed poetic about nature and scenery and foliage, i gave him the classic "what the fuck?" Lisa Look. lin is definitely a country mouse, god bless his pacific northwest-raised heart. i also don't understand the suburbs--i just don't understand them. it just doesn't process, you know? i can at least respect the mentality of people who come from places like the countryside, but not the suburbs. even the word itself indicates inferiority to the city: "sub-urban," meaning "below" or "lesser" urban. (note: for more on the origins of the san frnsiscan superiority complex, click here or here)

i have a ritual every time i move to a new city: i set a destination (usually a store or shopping district or museum), take a map, an umbrella, my walkman (tres 80s, i know), a bottle of water, and hit the streets. i like to explore the city on the first go by myself. i've got a pretty good sense of direction (and i'm the bomb parallel parker!....but i digress), and i don't like to be distracted by people who do not or who do not trust mine. plus i just like wandering around at my own pace, which is usually superfast. i'm a darty walker, as anyone who visited me in nyc can attest to.

i love love LOVE public transportation, especially subways and all their variations. taking public transportation and walking around the city by myself makes me feel like a native. there's also something so romantic (ho romantic-ahhh) about underground trains. all that confined space, close quarters, furtive glances. you can get a really good measure of the make-up of the city by the people who ride the subway. it's an awesome cross-section of people, without all the bourgeois riffraff who have cars.

i love the sound of cars whizzing by my window. i love the streetlights, i love the office buildings with inexplicable lights on late at night. i love the minimum wage workers who i ride the train with at 11 pm, on my way home, on their way to work. i love the pulsing, vibrating, throbbing intersections, seething with life during lunch hour. i love the fashion shows on the sidewalk. i love the food carts. i love times square, farragut square, trafalgar square, union square.

oh, and this is just for freesia:
freesia: whatever taiwan!
me: nice.
me: i don't think taiwan appreciates that...
freesia: yeah well..
freesia: what's taiwan done for me lately??

The New Choice
Shen later told a laden story: in 1998, APIRH conducted 12 focus groups with Asian and Pacific Islander women. "Many didn't know what 'pro-choice' meant. They didn't even know the political term was related to abortion. For whatever reason, the pro-choice movement did not connect to their lives," she recounted.

i like my men like i like my coffee: puerto rican!
gold star for first person who can identify what movie that quote is from (use the comments feature, people, it's there for a reason!).

i've been really into whiney boy music lately: gavin degraw, rufus wainwright, the shins. that sucks! guys need to fucking suck it up and be men. dammit. kidding, of course. i'm so not about machismo/patriarchy/male-domination/gender roles. but whining is really the last straw.

sometimes i see movies about artists/musicians/geniuses and i can't figure out how they are married and have children. how do these people have the time to cultivate a relationship and spend time with their families when their lives are so absorbed by their work? regan pointed out that people are just attracted to people who are intensely driven by something. i can definitely understand that; i think i've been there. but how do you separate the artist from the man? is it possible to do that? are they two different beings? can you stop yourself from falling into the trap of loving the artist instead of the man?

i guess it starts when you're young: you have crushes on celebrities, boy bands, teen tv stars. and then when you grow up a little, you want to find heroes. and then you actually start to meet heroes: people who are your age who are doing truly remarkable things. and they've got that thing, that fire inside, for lack of a better cliche. they're the most, the best, The (fill in the blank) that you've ever met. and you can't help but admire them.

maybe there's more than that. maybe there's that attraction, whether immediate or accumulated over time. you engage in passionate conversation, you see the spark in the person's eyes when discussing their life obsession, their voice elevates, they gesture with emotion. you see the flicker of worry on their face, unsure if they have overwhelmed you with things that they are immersed in at all moments of the day. you share your own ideas, passions, what makes you angry, what makes you laugh, your ambitions.

and there's this awesome moment that is difficult to catch, but so precious if you can notice it. you see the person integrating you into their schema of the world. you see them processing you as a whole person, bit by bit. of course they don't realize you are doing the exact same thing as well. but you are doing it too. and at that moment, you know there's going to be a lot more than this.

l.a. story
ever since i saw mulholland drive, i can't shake this creepy feeling whenever i visit l.a. there's just this kind of scary, sad, lonely, emptiness. it's like i keep expecting to see the man with the cowboy hat around the corner, or the little midget, or the scary nightclub singer, or *gasp,shiver* the blue box. and it's even worse because my past three visits have been in the winter, so there isn't even the nice weather to compensate for the eeriness. in fact, this time around it was cold as fuck.

nevertheless, i had a good time. we got in around 2 in the morning after a very fun ride down in regan's rickety oldsmobile. crystal and chris picked me up and we stayed up until 5 am catching up. saturday we met up with anne and went to the getty museum. the collection wasn't very spectacular, but the architecture was great. i wanted to do more cultural stuff this time around in l.a., since i realized that every time i've visited over the past four years, all i have done was shop and party like a rap star. there's nothing wrong with that, but i just feel like i don't know l.a. at all. anyways, that night we had dinner at a japanese curry place on sawtelle (thanks gloria), and then went to a bar called temple bar to see a really good hip hop band that a few of crystal's friends are in called ill again. we ended the night at sketchy's pad, watching 2 fast 2 furious, which, i'm sad to say, was not fast and i was the furious one for staying up to watch it instead of falling asleep like most of the others.

sunday we went to lacma (l.a. county museum of art), which has a really good collection of modern art. they had this funny exhibit on buddhism, and it felt like buddhism for dummies. there were these placards up, with like FAQs about buddhism: "what is the heart-mind?" "where is it?" "how big is the heart-mind?" that night we watched both the neverending story (i'm still traumatized from childhood) and shaolin soccer (so funny!). i think i made a comment about falcor being "so l.a." because he rocks the fur and the iridescent snakeskin at the same time. also, that pendant atreyu wears is pretty hot. accessories complete the outfit, right, carson?

monday regan picked me up, and we had lunch at this cute cafe in echo park, and i had a very l.a. sandwhich--brie and avocado. so good, but also so heavy. we then went to los feliz village and saw lost in translation. i think the jury is still out on this one. i did like it, but i'm not like mad jocking it, like a lot of other people. maybe i need to mull it over a little more. i think my main gripe is that the whole "japanese are quirky" thing got a little old, and that just wasn't that funny in the first place. i guess it's true that you have to leave your politics at the door when you watch movies or else you will never enjoy any movie. but yes the director did a great job of evoking a certain mood, and i think there are a lot of subtle moments, and it raises a lot of issues about the random nature of relationships and loneliness and solace.

goals for this week:
1) find a job (ha.)
2) begin attending yoga classes or a gym
3) finish reading "the namesake"
4) get a bunch of clothes hemmed/altered/tricked out by kindly chinese lady at neighborhood alterations shop/sweatshop

iTunes: lots of stuff by The Shins; "are you gonna be my girl?" by jet (i know they did a iPod commercial, but so?); "for you" by duncan sheik; "roses" (THE JAM!) and "she's alive" by outkast; anyone have the new rufus wainwright or new travis cds and want to burn me a copy??

i've never been idle in san francisco in october.

this didn't occur to me until today. i think it's because the full impact of daylight savings time has now hit the city. you switch the lights on around 5; you turn on your heater for the first time in seven months; you take out of storage the coat that you live in for the next five months; your face feels really cold when you're sleeping; you look longingly at your tank tops, skirts, and flip flops/chinese slippers (ha), sitting there so lonely in your drawer, and think of warmer times.

maybe the cold is just coming as a shock because we've had such a long and luxurious summer. my boss on my last job was trying to convince me that october really is the nicest month of the year in san francisco, and i guess he was right.

we used to have this paper skeleton door hanger that we put up on our door every halloween. his name was bones. my sister was particularly attached to him. i'm sure he's rotting away somewhere in the garage. my mom has always had a big thing for halloween: every year she buys enough candy for the entire sf unifed school district, which we proceed to eat well into the christmas season. she makes little goody bags for me, my sister, and our friends. and she loves pumpkins, especially the little mini ones. from where i'm sitting, i can spot five of them in a four-foot radius of me. my auntie's witch mask that traumatized me so when i was young in an incident i'd rather not talk about is lying on the couch, ready to scare more poor little five-year-old girls. sniffle.

anyways, enough with the nostalgia. i'm fleeing the weather and the freaks to go to l.a., for fires and some of my best friends from high school. i never return from l.a. without great stories and a renewed appreciation for home. see you in november.

Denny201 (3:46 AM): stanford boys are so replaceable aren't they
Denny201 (3:46 AM): like interchangeable parts

plants may not have brains, but at least they can take care of themselves
that is the title of a song i heard on the radio tonight, i kid you not!

instead of recapping what happened tonight and last friday night, i will refer you to both freesia and jaime's blogs, respectively.

i stayed in all day today and finished my first grad school app of this round of apps. feels decently good. i was pleasantly surprised that last year's personal statement required almost no editing. on the other hand, i spent hours and hours touching up my resume, debating the difference between "organized" and "managed" and whether i should spell out "United States" or just put "U.S." looking at the resume, i couldn't help but think: damn, i'd hire me. shoot. i've got a mad sexy resume, yo.

on a related note, my boss from this summer called me to follow up on the letter of recommendation he wrote for me. it was nice to talk to him. he was always very nice to margot and i, in an uncle-y sort of way, you know, supportive and caring, asking lots of good questions about your path in life, etc. he was always trying to steer us into law school, to which we politely nodded and smiled, even though neither of us intended to do that.

funny thing, though: tonight my mom said that she supported my decision to go to j-school, but was hoping that i would consider law school, and well, she continued, who knows, maybe i could do both? i was shocked, since i off-handedly mentioned law school just a few weeks ago (an idea i quickly abandoned), and i don't recall her jumping off her chair or anything. my mom is great because, in total atypical chinese mom style, she stays out of my decisions about my future and my sister's as well. sometimes i wonder what she really wanted me to be, but i know she's proud of what i've chosen to do. i know this because she and i have the same doctor, and the doctor tells me that my mom brags about my sister and i. aw shucks.

i know my dad is mad proud of me, too, because he thinks i'm really an artist at heart, like him. he has always pushed me to work more on my creative writing and move away from journalism, but i think i'm too chicken to do that. i think he's also down with me because he was an activist in the 1960s at city college, and he's happy to see me work on things like hardboiled because he's all about the people, too.

it's cool to have your parents be 100% behind anything you want to do. one less thing to worry about. i think they'd be alright if i told them i wanted to go back and get a degree in art history, or move to another country to work (for a year or so), or travel, or whatever. i've never had to stress about making them happy or getting them off my back or living up to their expectations. the only thing they've ever wanted was for my sister and i to be happy. and they really meant that, and not in the "we know what will make you happy, too" type of way either. my parents are pretty cool people.

at the risk of making this an obscenely long post, one more thing and i'm done. yesterday before i went out to meet kristin and freesia, my mom said to me, totally out of nowhere: "you never know, you might meet the man of your dreams tonight." i immediately replied that i had already met him. ah, my male readers, you're so vain, i bet you think this song is about you. and maybe it is. but my point is that i think i've met so many cool guys that it's highly likely that i've already met "the man of my dreams," although it's a concept that i don't really believe in anyways. i don't buy the lightning bolt, or the tingly feeling, or any type of immediate feeling of someone being The One. i also don't really have a laundry list of characteristics i look for in any ideal male prototype. i believe in connections (physical, emotional, intellectual, friendster) and in chemistry (thanks to bethany, summer '01). you just can't idealize or romanticize relationships. there is no empty pedestal in my life that i'm looking to fill with a guy. so why do i think i've already met this "man of my dreams"? i know a lot of guys who can be the "man of my dreams" for the night, or two weeks, two months, maybe even two years. and i'm pretty content with knowing just that fact. right now, that's enough for me.

per your request, i've added a comments feature. bring it, bitches!

agency

so there are the things you want to do and the things you don't want to do. but there are also the things you would do if you didn't have anything else better to do, and things you want to do, but suspect they won't be that fun per se. finally there are the things you don't want to do but feel like you should ("the veggies").

something that i have the biggest issue with is people telling me to do things. if you push me too much too quickly, it's an immediate no. i also don't give into guilt trips or whining. i'm also completely at the whim of how i feel the day of (even up to the hour of) the event, and if i don't feel like doing something, i usually don't do it. most of you know i'm not a big follow-through person.

but over time, i've come to believe in doing things that i don't want to do either for my own nebulous well-being or the tangible well-being of others. and most of the time these things have really paid off, gone beyond my expectations, and i ended up glad that i did them and proud of my good judgment.

lately, though, i haven't been enjoying my decisions, and now i'm just resentful at myself for doing things that i didn't want to do in the first place. maybe the pay off will come later. but for now i'm doubtful of anything that i have even remote reservations about. i'm taking my life back!

yeah right.

nobody broke your heart

on my drive home last night, i heard a beautiful song on the radio. it sounded like elliott smith, and the kid on the radio confirmed my guess. the song was called "alameda," and i went home immediately and downloaded it. man, i thought, i forgot how much i like his music. i should dig out those old albums...

i have to admit that i first heard his music from good will hunting, not exactly "i knew him before..." stuff, whatever that bullshit is. i think it was that last song in the movie that got me. it was the perfect accompaniment to that final shot, the back of a car driving, presumably, towards california and love (how ironic). i went out that week and bought the soundtrack, and it was simply beautiful. always been one of those cds i can just put on and listen to over and over. the songs were simple and sad; a man, his guitar, and a haunting, delicate voice. his stories were of heartbreak, disappointment, disillusionment, pain, and the temporary solace that alcohol and drugs bring. they were the songs that made me want to crawl into bed and under the covers and cry myself to sleep on cold rainy nights.

today was a warm windless day in san francisco, one of those rare days when you can leave the house without a sweater. and they say it's supposed to be sunny all weekend.

somehow, there's something to look forward to.